Forgetfulness

It is very easy to forget. I find that I have forgotten some things that are quite important to me, in fact, some of the things that I have claimed make me the person I am.

For someone with a blog name "Freeness", it is strange that I find myself being scared to be free on this very blog. Free to write what I think and what I experience, perhaps because I do not know how it will be received. Bear in mind that I call myself a writer, so writing is not what I do, but it is who I  am, so by virtue of being scared to express myself on a platform I have created to do just that, means I am doing an injustice to who I am. Or, like I said earlier, perhaps I have forgotten important things.

You would never believe how many times I have started and restarted blog entries and just ended up not posting anything. I keep finding myself saying things like "I am writing in my head", and there have been things that have been under construction in my head for over a year. It seems I have learnt that no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am not scared of judgement, I actually am.

Vulnerability has never been one of my strongest characteristics, except with people I consider close to me, and at times due to momentary loss of sanity, I have been extremely vulnerable in open spaces.

I ask myself, what happened to my ability to have loud thoughts without being bothered by how they will be perceived? Perhaps I have subconsciously accepted the opinions of others as the end all and deemed my views insignificant? Perhaps.

There was a phase where I tried, went out of my way by all means to be controversial. Yes this was a dare, to myself and to those who dared to think that having an opinion was limited to them, I don't know by what right. Now, I find myself in the other extreme, where I do all I can to walk away from controversy, just to maintain my sanity. I know some people may think that sanity and me are 2 things that should never be married, or any attempt thereof be made.


I suppose I need a reminder; a reminder to self and a reminder of self. This is the first step.